


Cold Feet

by artichoker



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Angst, Bisexuality, Break Up, Broken Engagement, Childhood Friends, College, Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Heterosexual Sex, M/M, Realistic, Relationship Issues, Same-Sex Marriage, Self-Discovery, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:41:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28931919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artichoker/pseuds/artichoker
Summary: Mikasa and Eren got engaged after knowing each other for more than a decade and being in love for more than a year. However it looks like the wedding bells won't be ringing just yet. Through a broken engagement and two broken hearts, will Mikasa and Eren find themselves and make peace again?
Relationships: Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Eren Yeager (brief), Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir (only mentioned), Levi/Eren Yeager, Levi/Erwin Smith, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 32
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is set up in modern day AU with a rather realistic premise. It talks about sexuality, coming out, relationship issues, straight & bi couple, break-up, and stuff of the sort. It might be triggering to some people although nothing is too explicit (oh there's het sex, just a heads up). I rated it mature for a reason. If anything makes you uncomfortable please know this is not a story for everyone and it's OK to leave. You have been warned.
> 
> Story inspired by "Cold Feet" by Loud Luxury
> 
> Enjoy the story :)

There were a lot of things Mikasa loved about Eren. She loved his shaggy hair when it was shorter, and loved his edgy, crispy voice when they were younger. She also loved his attitude, one that was despised by so many others because they couldn't stand how feisty and stubborn he was. Growing up with Eren, Mikasa knew it all. She was probably the only one who was patient enough to stick to his side through all these years, besides Armin, who was another incredibly gentle and loyal soul that was chosen to be Eren’s friend. 

Personality aside, Eren was actually a pretty likable guy. He was decent looking, to say the least. Mikasa dared to say she found him attractive ever since they were teenagers. He was also a good friend, always keeping promises and going above and beyond to help those in need. He was a dreamer, having wild ambitions and vivid visions of his future, never yielding to failures. He was rebellious and had authority issues, getting into troubles with quite a few teachers and professors in his school days. He was fearless, having once fought a robber with bare hands for a stranger. He was clueless and dense like a rock, probably the least romantic person in the world - yet he came up with the most romantic proposal Mikasa could think of.

“Is that why you said yes Mikasa?” asked Sasha. She was a college friend of theirs, who flew from another state to attend this reunion in their college town. This explained why Mikasa was talking about Eren in the first place.

“Well...” Mikasa couldn’t put her thoughts into words.

“Come on Mikasa, don’t be shy. We all know how close you guys have been since freshman year.”

“No Sasha, they were close even before that.” Connie added, “Weren’t you guys high school sweethearts or something?”

“No, we were not.” Mikasa smiled, “but we were friends since middle school. We sort of grew up together, neighbors and everything.”

“Was that how it started? You guys were neighbors and each other’s first love?”

“Don’t be stupid!” Jean chimed in angrily, “We all know they dated other people. Isn’t that so Armin? You guys all grew up together didn’t you.”

Armin, not used to being the center of attention, shrugged it off. “I don’t know. It’s private. Don’t ask me.”

Mikasa glared at him for a second, then went back to her poker face.

“Well Mikasa, since you guys have been engaged for how long, four months now?”

“Five months.” Connie corrected.

“Right, five months. Aren’t you going to share some juicy details about you guys?” Sasha grinned, looking at Mikasa as if she was suddenly a potato.

“You guys....” Mikasa blushed.

“Tell us the story!” Connie nudged.

“But-”

“Oh God!” Jean exclaimed, “I can’t believe you haven’t told us everything, or better yet, haven’t told us anything. All these years guys, we were classmates for four goddamn years.”

“All right then.” Mikasa sighed, looking clearly flustered. Considering she was usually a very private person, this must have been a real ordeal to go through. “I’ll start from the beginning.”

Mikasa moved to Newton when she was in middle school. Her father accepted a job offer in this affluent town, thus forced her to start a new life here at a very awkward age. Mikasa was 13 when she met Eren, who lived down the street in a traditional German house look-alike owned by the Yeagers. The Yeagers were a nice family. They were kind and generous to all their neighbors, and gladly introduced their son, Eren, to befriend Mikasa, knowing she was new. Needless to say, it was beyond awkward to introduce two 13-year-olds on purpose, but fortunately, Mr. and Mrs. Yeager were not the nosey type and just left them be. Friendship grew from that initial meeting, which was rather unexpected because it was never easy for Eren to make friends. In fact, he only had one true friend at the time, Armin Arlert, who lived two blocks away. But there was something about Mikasa that just clicked with Eren, making him not only accept her as a friend, but also embrace her like family.

The trio survived middle school and high school together, then marched on to go to the same college. It was not unusual for kids in Newton to go to college together because they were located next to one of the best college towns in the country. Many would apply to go to the same school, and many would get in. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin started their college adventure at the same place but at different pace. Eren studied English, aiming to become a freelance writer then a novelist. Mikasa studied economics, then dual-degreed with business because she wanted the most job-efficient major. Armin did pre-law, hoping to go to law school one day then be a lawyer. They developed new social circles but remained close friends. They tried new things, all sorts of things, together and separately.

Dating was not one of them. For some reason, no one of the trio was susceptible to the idea of love. They were either too dense, too timid, or too indifferent to tend to it, thus wasting valuable time and youth, probably breaking a few hearts as well. However, Mikasa knew deep down that she was not a rock, that she had sexual desires and romantic feelings in her system, just not explicitly shown - until summer of their junior year.

They were all living off-campus at the time, and Eren’s roommate was gone for an internship the entire summer, leaving that bedroom open for three months. Mikasa’s lease ended at a weird time so she naturally subleased Eren’s apartment, occupying the empty room. The two got along pretty well as housemates, considering they grew up together and knew each other’s habits and quirks perfectly. But it was summer and they were 21, plus they were both single as hell and the weather was truly too hot, something unexpected began to brew between them. Mikasa may be inexperienced, but she was not uneducated. She knew what it was and what she wanted, the question was how to get it.

The answer manifested itself one June night. Eren was using the shower when Mikasa really needed to pee, so she banged on the door after a few gentle knocks, pissing Eren off as a result who yelled back and said “Stop banging at the door Mikasa! You don’t have to worry about me drowning when I’m just taking a shower!”

Mikasa knew he was hinting at how she was usually too protective and got defensive about it. She didn’t think she was overly protective, she was just a responsible friend who knew better for someone lacking common sense. Thus she replied: “No Eren, you are showering for too long. I need that bathroom now.”

“Well really?” Eren taunted, “You can share it with me if you want!”

Mikasa knew Eren could be very childish and a brat sometimes, and didn’t think he meant what she thought. But she grew so hot at the idea that she almost froze on the spot. On one hand she felt guilty about what she thought of, on the other hand she had to admit she had seen Eren shirtless and liked what she saw. After a few contemplating seconds she said: “You can have it Eren, I’m not gonna share a bathroom with a guy.”

It was at this split moment Eren opened the door and stood behind it in a towel, mists coming from behind and around him, making him look softer than usual. His silhouette blended in the bathroom light with a gentle glow. “Now what do you want?”

Mikasa merely looked at him and turned red from head to toe. She opened her mouth but no words came out, then she ran back to her room like her life depended on it. After taking a few deep breaths she sank to the floor behind her door, shaking uncontrollably from a strange sense of excitement and shame. She was wet.

Later that night she knocked on Eren’s door and quietly entered. Eren was already laying on his bed, stretched out and relaxed, wearing only a T-shirt. He saw Mikasa and raised an eyebrow: “What are you doing in my room?”

“Nothing. I guess I gotta...check on you.”

“Check on me?” Eren sneered, “I'm doing fine thanks.”

It was at this moment Mikasa got so irritated but so turned on. She wanted Eren to shut up for a second and listen for once. She’d been his friend for eight years and she wanted something from him right now that only he could give.

Therefore she did something she’d never do again in her whole life. She lifted up her night dress and threw it over her head, exposing her entire body with nothing but her underwear. She stood there eyes shut, breathing heavily. It felt like her heart was pounding a mile a second and her blood was boiling. Slowly she opened her eyes and looked at Eren, saw the shock and awe on his face.

“Mi..Mikasa, you…what are you doing?”

Mikasa didn’t answer. She merely walked over to Eren, climbed onto his bed and crawled over to him, laying side by side face down, eyeing him from his pillow. She didn’t even know why or how she did these without rehearsing or anyone teaching her. Later in their lives she would hear Eren tell her how seductive she was that night, but at that moment she was only a horny virgin who did it all on instinct.

Next to her Eren’s breath quickened. He looked at her dumbstruck, but helplessly aroused.

“Are… are you sure Mikasa?”

“Yes.” she nodded.

“If at any moment you want me to stop, just say it OK?”

“OK.”

Shakily, Eren reached out a hand to touch her naked shoulder and pulled her closer. From his reaction Mikasa was sure he was as much a virgin as she was, and they should have done this when they were 16 rather than 21. But there they were, embracing each other and exchanging loving looks. This moment was never late.

After a few quick, brief kisses on the lips, Eren moved down to touch her breasts. Mikasa yelped at the sensation and jerked her body in response. She felt Eren’s fingers and tongue play with her sensitive areas, and couldn’t help squirming and moaning. Needy, breathy whimpers came out of her mouth, and from there she lost it, keeping her eyes shut and mind closed, feeling only Eren’s touch.

“Mikasa?” Eren called her name.

“Hm?”

“I feel so weird right now.

Mikasa’s eyes sprang open. She looked at Eren anxiously, not knowing what she did wrong.

“No, it’s not that. It’s just now we are getting closer than ever, and I’ve known you since we were kids.”

She sighed in relief and held his hand. “Yes, we are.”

He did go down on her that night and when they were done it was near 3am. Eren pulled his blanket over Mikasa and wished her goodnight. Mikasa laid next to him, eyes fixed on the ceiling. She could see the lamp, the posters, the blinds and their shadows on the walls, crooked at slant angles. She felt her heart got crooked as well and got up to sleep in her own room. Before she passed out she couldn’t help entertain the idea that maybe she liked Eren. Maybe she’d been liking him since middle school, and she didn’t realize that until now.

But no, things didn’t go as smoothly as people would imagine. They were friends with benefits briefly but really didn’t start dating until they were 25. After graduation Eren moved to the West Coast to pursue his career, while Mikasa stayed on the East Coast climbing corporate ladders. Armin stayed local as well, since the law school he got in was conveniently located in their college town, which was also one of the best in the country.

Eren moved back to their city three years after graduation, thus the trio reunited. They had all matured and been battered in different ways, having had their own shares of romantic experiences. And just like that, as if a light bulb lit up in Eren’s head, he asked Mikasa out.

“Aww, that’s adorable!I love that story!” cooed Sasha, looking extremely amused.

Mikasa laughed. Of course she didn’t share the whole story, especially not the smutty parts. In fact she was as brief as she could, only telling them that they grew up together and reunited after graduation. Still people digged this idea, especially the girls. There was just something so appealing about reunions that she could just get away from it without sharing much detail.

“Yeah that is a fucking love story.” Said Cony, “Too bad Eren’s not here to hear it himself. Where is he again? Doing some weird shit work?”

“He’s at a writer’s conference in Atlanta.” Answered Mikasa, unwavering at Cony’s tease.

“That bastard, should have cherished what he’s got.” grumbled Jean. Everyone here knew that he had a crush on Mikasa ever since their orientation days. “Better treat his fiancee with courtesy. He’s lucky as hell to marry Mikasa one day.”

“Speaking of that Mikasa, when are you guys getting married?” Asked Sasha.

“Yeah that’s right! I was just about to ask, have you picked out a dress yet? Any idea where you wanna do your reception? My aunt knows a wedding planner that’s really good. She planned my cousin’s wedding last year.” Said Mina.

Mikasa smiled at her and shook her head. She then looked at every single one of them before speaking solemnly: “Sorry guys, there will be no weddings.” She paused as to gain some composure, “Eren has called off the engagement.”

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa discovered Eren's secret, which Eren actually confessed to her.

Both Mikasa and Eren had dated other people before they were together. Mikasa’s side of the story was curt. She went out with Jean a few times to give them a chance, but that didn’t work out. Eren’s side was different. For starters he dated Historia Reiss in the beginning of their senior year.

Historia was the kind of girl that was everybody’s type. You simply couldn’t pick out a flaw about her. She’d got the look, the brain, the heart, and the soul. Being one of the most popular girls in their class, she was anything but snobbish or mean. The fact that such a girl would give Eren the time of the day was rather unexpected - not to say that Eren was ugly or dumb or anything, but he was certainly not in her league.

Therefore when Mikasa heard the news she was caught off guard. It’d been three months since their first night together, and there Eren was, marching into the battlefield of love like a triumphant cavalryman. She knew what she and Eren had was non-committal and purely at will, but she couldn’t stop feeling a little jealous. It’d be a lie to say that she didn’t already fall for Eren, so she decided to be honest with herself and walked away from Eren’s bed and love life completely. 

What bemused and frustrated her was that she thought Eren liked her too. There was one time when they were making out Eren pulled away from their kiss and asked her “Do you like me?” Overwhelmed by hormones and adrenaline, Mikasa felt bliss hit her like a rock and said “yes” before realizing it. They had a good time that night, until Mikasa asked Eren “Why did you ask me that?”

“Ask you what?”

“Do I like you.”

“I don’t know. It just slipped off.”

Mikasa didn’t push the topic further but took the discretion that Eren liked her too, even just a little bit. Therefore when she heard Eren was dating Historia she was angry and remorseful. Love was such a difficult subject, harder than any economic theory or accounting formula. She should have steered away from it in the beginning to spare herself from this mess.

“Mikasa, look, it’s not your fault. It was just a bad idea.” Armin said. They were sitting in the dining hall, each eating a plate of creamy chicken alfredo. 

Mikasa sighed. She normally wouldn't confide such things with Armin, but she simply couldn’t think of anyone else. She was never the type to enjoy juicy gossip or girls' talks, in fact she didn’t have any close female friends to begin with. Therefore Armin got dragged into the picture.

“Guys are stupid, and they often say something they don’t mean. Don’t take it too seriously.”

“But Armin, Eren and I had a history, and he was so caring and gentle when we were together, I can tell the connection was there!”

“Oh Mikasa.” Armin shook his head, “I’m sorry but friends with benefits is the least stable relationship of all relationships, and the least fair of them all. There’s always going to be one party that wants more, does more, and hurts more. Plus you are not Eren, you don’t know what’s on his mind.”

Mikasa grew wordless at Armin’s words. She appreciated his bluntness but felt hurt no matter what. “Wait a minute Armin.” She said, “How do you know such things when you have zero love experiences yourself?”

“Well, I read.” Armin shrugged, “and these things are pretty intuitive. You don’t have to experience them to understand them. You are one of the smartest people I’ve met Mikasa, you’ll figure it out.”

It turned out Armin’s words were half true. It was no doubt that friends with benefits was not going to work for everyone, but guys’ words were not always BS either. Eren did like Mikasa at the time, and he meant it when he asked her that question. Eren confessed these to her years later when they were 25, and they both laughed about it. But Armin also said something that was true as the gospel over the chicken alfredo that night, and Mikasa always went back to it - She was not Eren, she didn’t know what was on his mind.

Early winter of their senior year Eren and Historia stopped dating, because Historia got herself a girlfriend. Ymir was this girl from the School of Engineering, tall and dark-haired and freckled, and they fell in love. People were generally surprised at this couple, because they didn’t think Historia was a lesbian.

“She’s bisexual.” said Eren, “She likes guys too. There’s a difference.”

“You are certainly knowledgeable.” Mikasa retorted, still feeling a little unease hearing Eren speaking for Historia.

“Well, I got educated on these things. Historia knows a lot and she filled me in.”

“So was that all you guys talked about when you were dating?”

“What? No, of course not. We talked about other stuff too.” Eren paused for a second, “Look Mikasa, I have this thing that I need to tell you.”

Mikasa felt her stomach clenched. “What is it?”

“I’m bisexual too, just like Historia. And I’m dating this guy, his name is Levi.”

The world seemed to have suddenly scrambled and cracked in front of her and Mikasa couldn’t believe her ears. “You are what?”

“I’m bi, and I’m dating a guy. In fact he is almost my boyfriend now.”

Mikasa stared at Eren, flabbergasted and muted. She was honestly expecting anything but this coming from Eren’s mouth. This just seemed so absurd, like Armin coming up to her saying he was half Asian or Sasha confessing that she secretly hated fries.

“When did you realize this Eren? I’ve known you since puberty and this never showed up. How is that possible?”

“Well Mikasa, to be honest I only realized I’m bi recently, after… after meeting Levi. But I did have confusion about things growing up, which I was just too busy to think about.”

“Like what?”

“Like, do I really love girls.”

Mikasa gave out a dry laugh, as if trying to convince herself that this was funny. “But you and I slept Eren! We slept together for three months and you seemed to be pretty into it. And now you are saying you aren’t sure…wait a minute.”

Mikasa paused because a passing thought hit her like a train. “Is that why we never had penetrative sex? You never actually fucked me because you didn’t like viginas?”

Eren gagged on her words, looking terrified at Mikasa’s sudden shift in language. She was usually very composed and modest and would avoid profanity whenever possible. The fact that she was speaking so explicitly right now showed how riled up she was. 

“Mikasa, look, I didn’t mean to upset you. I came out to you only because I trust you, and value you as my friend. In fact you are the first person I ever came out to, even before Armin! Because you mean so much to me!”

She listened, wanting to push him away and give him a hug at the same time. What Eren said was so conceptually right but emotionally conflicting that she just didn’t know what to do anymore. She had nothing against gay people, but she also just got her heart broken, and she needed a minute to digest it.

“Eren, did you sleep with Historia?”

“What?”

“Did you fuck her?”

“I...No! Why are you asking this? What does it have anything to do with you?”

“Of course it does. I want to know if this is just me or every girl you see.”

Eren gazed at her wide-eyed for a moment, finally grasping that she was feeling insecure.

“Mikasa, please don’t be like this. You’ve done nothing wrong, and I don’t want you to beat yourself up for something that’s not your fault. It’s me Mikasa, I’m bi and I prefer guys, that’s just a fact.”

“Then you are gay!”

“No I’m not completely gay either, because I could have feelings for girls, and could feel physically aroused when I’m with them. You saw me, you know I was into your body.”

“Just not my reproductive organ.” Mikasa sighed, tears streaming down her face. She felt so ashamed for what she said, which she knew was true.

“Oh Mikasa, please.” Eren’s face contorted painfully, pulling Mikasa in for a rib-crushing hug. He felt her trying to push him away at first, but he held tight, so tight that she gasped and held on to his arm. Eventually she stopped struggling, just quietly sobbing in his arms. Eren felt wetness on the front of his shirt, he knew it was Mikasa’s tears.

After a good ten minutes, Mikasa said calmly: “So tell me about this Levi. I want to know about him.”

Soon finals were over and the holidays came. Mikasa went home for the winter break, getting a ride with the Yeager family. Apparently over the past eight years the families stayed close, and Mikasa felt she was almost adopted by them. They undoubtedly liked her, so much that she felt bad for not telling them their son’s sexuality. But still she was a loyal friend, who kept Eren’s secret sealed and buried.

It was a quiet Christmas. Mikasa didn’t have a big extended family so she mainly just stayed in her room preparing for the spring semester. She already landed a job offer at one of the fancy public accounting firms, starting in fall. She was staying local, but she didn’t know what Eren was going to do.

Thinking of Eren, Mikasa couldn’t help but feel a little sentimental. She got over her heart break relatively fast, by the time finals were over she hardly thought about it. But it was times like this that made her thoughts wander and emotions run wild - when she was laying in her bed alone, horny and lonely. She thought about the nights she spent with Eren, the sexual experiences they shared, and once again connecting all the dots. Eren was a wonderful kisser, and gave good orals as well. Mikasa, although never even once came under Eren’s ministrations, still enjoyed the experience. It was rather late when she realized that Eren couldn’t penetrate her, because they were going to take it slow anyway, starting only with touching and kissing. That one night when Mikasa was ready to move on to intercourse, they tried and tried but kept failing. On one hand Mikasa was really hurting, on the other hand Eren didn’t dare use too much force. So they gave up and switched to oral at the end. They tried again a couple nights after but reached the same place, which greatly frustrated Eren and concerned Mikasa. She even worried that maybe her body was built differently so penis couldn’t get in. But judging from Eren’s reaction, he wasn’t giving his full effort. Now knowing that Eren preferred male bodies, everything made perfect sense. 

Mikasa wasn’t going to feel bitter or resentful or anything, but she did feel pretty powerless. It was the one thing that she couldn’t have control over, which never seemed to matter so much until now. But Mikasa loved her body, and she wasn’t going to hate it just because Eren preferred something else. Knowing this, Mikasa reached a hand down her underwear and fingered herself to orgasm.

She saw Levi Ackerman for the first time in May the following year. They were graduating and their families came to town to watch them walk. Eren invited Levi, who was already his boyfriend of four months at this point, and kept him and his parents separated carefully.

Mikasa’s first impression of Levi was that he was really short. She’d never seen a grown man so short that she gave Eren a skeptical look, like “are you sure?” Eren smiled at her and introduced his boyfriend proudly, looking so happy and content like a praised puppy.

It turned out Levi Ackerman was an entrepreneur of a startup. He was already in his mid-thirties, established and successful. As a gay rights advocate in this city, he got to know Historia from various events, who introduced him to Eren. Everything just blossomed from there- they met, got to know each other, and fell in love.

Mikasa noticed this man had dark hair, dark eyes, pale skin, short stature and a big attitude. This was not a man who would take orders from anyone, nor was he easy to talk to. But Eren loved him, so he must have been likable in some way. Unfortunately Mikasa wasn’t Eren, and she couldn’t see that.

Nevertheless she tolerated him and accepted him. Knowing that Eren was moving to the West Coast with him right after graduation, Mikasa didn’t want to make things awkward. They talked and took some photos together, everyone seemed to be having a good time. And that was the last time Mikasa saw them as a couple.

Except in photos of course.

A month later Eren sent a series of photos to Mikasa’s phone. It was near the end of June, the air was warm and the breeze smelled like sunshine. Eren was wearing a rainbow colored T-shirt, face painted in the same fashion, holding a rainbow flag. In his other hand was Levi’s hand, the two looked at whoever took that picture merrily, smiling into the camera. Mikasa could tell Levi was smiling because his eyes formed little wrinkles near the temples, which was, subtle indeed, a telltale sign of genuine happiness.  
“Happy Pride Mikasa! I wish you were here.”

Mikasa read Eren’s text, then scrolled down to view other photos he sent her. It was like a big party, a rainbow colored festival. People of all genders, colors, age groups, and nationalities gathered on the streets, in the park, by the department stores, marching and celebrating. She saw people dressed up in daring outfits dancing with their friends, saw young kids waving at the paraders sitting on their parents’ shoulders, saw the variety of merchandise being sold under the little tents, saw the rainbow flag flying in the wind on top of the city’s landmark.

She took a moment to phrase her message, then wrote: “Thanks Eren. Maybe next time.”

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa and Eren finally started dating! Mikasa feels everything is easy and comfortable in their relationship, except the sex.

Up to this day Mikasa still recalled her relationship with Eren in awe, since it started with something so innocent then transformed completely into something else. When she met Eren on that sunny September day more than a decade ago, she never thought she’d one day be engaged to him. In fact when Eren moved to the West Coast with Levi after graduation, she thought that was the end of it, that they would never have a story again. However three years later, Eren moved back to their college town, broken up and broken hearted. Of course Eren wouldn’t admittedly tell her that he was sad, but every fiber of his body screamed so, and Mikasa just couldn’t ignore it. She knew Eren, and could resonate with him on every level - she was no stranger to a broken heart.

At first things were normal. They hung out on weekends with Armin when all three were free, and lived their separate lives otherwise. Being single working adults on the East Coast wasn’t easy, especially in this competitive city where the median household income was seventy grand. Mikasa was working ninety hours a week in the summer to cope with her busy season, and Armin was no better year round since he was in law. Eren was the most flexible of the three being a freelance writer. However they all had bills to pay and futures to plan, and being the ambitious individuals they were, working hard just came naturally.

It was a couple months after Eren's return things started to change. Mikasa noticed he would text her random stuff during the day and initiate hangouts over the weekend, and he would insist on paying almost every time even though Mikasa made more money. The activities they did were also more date-ish, like dinners on Friday nights, movies on Saturdays, and grocery runs on Sundays. Of course all of these were done without Armin, just them two. Mikasa had this idea tickling the back of her mind about what was going on between Eren and her, but didn’t bother looking too much into it to avoid any disappointment later. So it went on like this until one day Eren asked her: “Mikasa, who am I to you?”

“W..What?” Mikasa was caught off guard.

“What kind of feelings do you have towards me?”

Stunned and confused, Mikasa didn’t know where all of this suddenly came from. It did sound like Eren was hinting at romantic feelings, but would she dare make herself vulnerable again? Maybe Eren was talking about something else completely and she just read too much into it.

“You are my friend, Eren.”

“... That’s it?”

“Well, you are like my family too.”

“Sure, but?”

“But what?”

Eren suddenly threw his hands over his head and turned around abruptly, fingers clutching to his hair with brutal force. After about ten seconds he spinned back and looked at Mikasa, face red, eyes glassy.

“I’m talking about something else, Mikasa, like romantically. Do you have any romantic feelings towards me?”

Mikasa went red too. Her face blushed to match the color of her red scarf, looking almost comical.

“I...um...Eren...” 

“If you do, even the slightest, would you be willing to give us a chance?”

“A chance? Like what?” Mikasa’s heart was almost at her throat and her ability to speech had dwindled to that of an elementary schooler.

Eren breathed hard, looking so nervous that he could faint. “I’m asking you to be my girlfriend, Mikasa. Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

Mikasa covered her face in her palms to hide the smile and tears that came to her simultaneously. She’d never experienced a moment more magical her whole life, like the stars were spinning above her head and all the street lights joined them. 

“Yes.” She said.

Thus their relationship officially started. It was like every other relationship, with ups and downs, good and bad times. Mikasa didn’t think it was any different from the relationships she’d seen or heard of, but it was hers and Eren’s, thus special in every way. She appreciated the little things Eren did for her, like picking her up from her office at midnight, filling up her water bottle before they needed to go somewhere, zipping up her dress when she couldn’t reach her back, and listening to her when she needed a pair of ears. To be honest these were not things he hadn’t done before, since they were best friends growing up. But there was something so comfortable and natural about it that hit Mikasa right at home. She almost felt they were married for years.

They tried sex for the first time. Real, penetrative sex, not the making out and getting off thing they did in college. It was not easy, but they succeeded. Mikasa could recall vividly how they reached there, how much it hurt, and how relieved they both were when Eren finally entered her. She remembered Eren's body shuddered above her, muscles flexing, eyes squeezed shut, mouth open with soft grunts and whimpers. She tilted her head to kiss his lips, pulling him down to touch his forehead with her own. Eren’s big, green eyes sprang to life and looked right into her dark brown ones, and she’d never felt so close to him her entire life.

When Eren came he cried. He made this throaty, strangled moan then collapsed onto her body. She was already crying at this point without realizing it, not knowing if it was because of pain or pleasure. They stared at each other with teary eyes, both smiling. Then Eren pulled out of her and crawled to her side, pulling her in for a tight embrace and buried his face in her bosom. Mikasa felt his body shake from the sobbing, tears wetting her clavicle, and patted his back as gently as she could.

Sex with Eren was not bad, but not good either. Before her first intercouse Mikasa had imagined how it would feel to have sex, fantasized about certain scenes and plays, and pleasured herself to those on a regular basis. However Eren did not make any of those come true, in fact Mikasa didn’t even bother communicating them to him, because his ideal of love making was totally different from hers. To be honest she shouldn’t have been that surprised to discover Eren was more submissive in bed. He would often ask Mikasa to play with his nipples and cover his eyes or tie up his hands. These were not in the picture at all four years ago when they first started sleeping together, so it must have been a reminiscence from his last relationship. Mikasa was not interested in learning how Eren and Levi Ackerman had sex, but she could somehow see his shadow hovering over them in their bedroom. She suddenly understood why men had such a fixation on virgins, because she certainly missed that inexperienced, untainted virgin Eren from their college days.

But She loved Eren, so she’d do anything for him to make him happy. Therefore when he asked her to peg him, she simply swallowed her discontent and purchased a set of strap-on and dildo. Eren moaned and spreaded out for her as she fucked him, his skin a dark layer of pink, cock erect and drooling against her belly. It was the most aroused Eren had ever been in their love making, and Mikasa felt a twisted combination of pride and insecurity. She was thrilled to bring Eren pleasure, but horrified that it was not part of her body that did the work. Plus she did not get to come at all in these sessions. Eren was usually too exhausted to stay awake afterwards, so she’d had to fuck herself with that dildo to orgasm.

Mikasa had tried to make herself get off mentally from pegging Eren, but that didn’t work either. To her surprise she was not even half as dominant in bed as in real life. Growing up she always earned herself the “tough girl” reputation, being extremely independent and competent, she was the kind of girl to scare guys away. If not for her good look, she doubted if any guy would fall for her. People generally associated someone like her to be the perfect dominatrix candidate, but unfortunately that was not the case for Mikasa. She’d long realized she preferred dominant sex partners, and her fantasies all fell into that category. Therefore when Eren presented all passive and submissive in front of her, she was forced to step out of her comfort zone to take on a role that was neither familiar nor desired.

Sex aside, everything was perfect in their relationship. Eren was a great boyfriend, and Mikasa felt lucky to be with him. Like many women, she often wondered where things were heading. They’d come a long way from childhood friends to friends with benefits to boyfriend girlfriend, but what next? Would they move in together? Would they get engaged? The older Mikasa got the more she thought about these things. She’d always hated the idea of a “biological clock” for women, but she couldn’t deny it was taking an effect on her. 

She got her answer one year into their relationship. They were 26 at this point, both somewhere established professionally and financially. They had matured mentally as well, having gone through the earliest phase of adulthood, ready to march on with the real adults.

That winter was an early and humid one. The first storm hit right before Halloween, leaving two inches of snow. By the time Christmas was approaching there were already piles of unmelted snow sitting around each block. Two days before Christmas Eve Mikasa and Eren went to a friend’s holiday party. When they stepped out it was snowing again. The streets were literally empty at this time, everybody was at home wrapped up in warm blankets and fast asleep. Mikasa and Eren parked rather far away so they had to walk for a bit. They both had a few drinks and were pleasantly tipsy, so the walk became something to enjoy rather than endure. Eren was particularly talkative that night. He was usually not the hyper type after drinking, but holiday seasons made people do weird things, so Mikasa wasn’t surprised to see him singing and dancing on the street.

First he was just humming, then he started articulating lyrics that were recognizable. 

“Christmas time is here, happiness and cheer-”

“Eren stop!” As soon as Mikasa realized which song Eren was singing she snapped at him. She hated that song. 

“- Fun for all that children call, their favorite time of the year.”

“Eren! You know I hated that song!”

“And I know you still do.” Eren winked at her, making a funny face, “Everytime you heard it on the radio you asked whoever was driving to switch channels.”

“Yes because it sounds so sad!” Mikasa proclaimed, “Christmas is supposed to be happy, and Christmas songs shouldn’t sound sad.”

“Well, that’s not my idea.” Eren turned around and kept on singing. He even ran a few steps away from Mikasa to avoid being smacked by her. She had really strong hands, better watch out for those.

“Eren!” Mikasa chased after him. She loved and hated Eren’s brattiness. Being the older and more mature one in their relationship, Mikasa thrived on his energy. But he could also be a handful at times, to the point Mikasa just wanted to grab him and spank him into silence - not sexual in any way, just teach him some manners.

“If you want me to stop better catch me! And you might get a present when you do!”

“Oh really Eren? If you shut up I might still give you your present, instead of flushing it down the toilet!” Mikasa bickered. She really shouldn’t have taken that last shot of coconut martini.

“Snowflakes in the air, carols everywhere...”

Mikasa was charging at him full speed, both of them laughing hard. They were lucky this was not a heavily resided area, or they might get a few noise warnings from behind the windows. Nevertheless, this night was theirs. As adults they hardly had opportunities like this to unleash and act all childish again. Mikasa sometimes felt that child inside her had died from all the responsibilities and priorities, but tonight proved her wrong. The young Mikasa was alive, and she was more lively than ever.

Together was the young Eren. Mikasa saw the free-spirited, trouble-seeking, feisty and fearless Eren running in front of her, hair and face covered in snow. Though his look changed quite a bit over time, his mannerism was exactly the same. She must have fallen for him when they were kids, though she couldn’t tell when exactly.

Mikasa stopped running when Eren finally turned around to face her. They looked at each other, panting, then Eren pulled out something from his pocket and dropped to his knee: “Would you marry me Mikasa?”

It was a diamond ring.

It was in fact the most beautiful diamond ring Mikasa had ever seen. The ring a moonish silver, the stone dainty and delicate, shining glamorously against the snow. It even looked surreal, like a sorcerer’s stone apparating out of thin air, and Mikasa was enchanted by it.

She looked at the ring then looked at Eren, then looked back at the ring again. 

“Oh my Gosh, Eren.”

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we'll dig into Eren's history with Levi and see what's really down there. Will Mikasa be surprised?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa and Eren went to Levi and Erwin's wedding and learned some interesting stories - at least interesting for everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so in this chapter the Eruri ship made its debut, and Ereri is going to carry more weight than previous chapters. Procced with caution if you don't like either ship.

Mikasa didn’t have a lot of experiences with weddings, in fact she’d only been to two her whole life, one for her cousin, one for her friend’s cousin. None of her close friends were married, so she didn’t get to be a bridesmaid or a real insider yet. Her third wedding was special though. It was different from all those she’d seen, truly one of a kind.

It was a wedding between two men.

One of them was Levi Ackerman, the other was Erwin Smith. Mikasa hadn’t heard of this person until she saw the wedding invitation.

Turned out Eren and Levi stayed friends after they broke up, and one year after their separation, Levi was getting married to Erwin, and Eren on the other hand, was Mikasa’s boyfriend. Mikasa didn’t know much about Eren’s relationship with Levi, nor their breakup. Eren kept silent about these things and Mikasa wasn’t nosey enough to keep digging. However, nothing could stop a woman from being curious about her partner’s ex, or her ex’s partner. So on one of those curious nights, Mikasa asked away.

“You mean, why did we break up?” Eren asked, looking over.

“Well, just a little curious. You don’t have to answer if you don’t feel comfortable.”

“No it’s fine. We broke up because he went back to his ex. That’s the short story.”

Mikasa almost flinched in her chair. She felt so terribly sorry for Eren that she didn’t know how to respond.

“It’s fine, really. Nothing worth noting.”

“So, how did you… how are you guys… how did you guys end things? Like are you still friendly, or someone totally burned the bridge?”

“We’re friends. Well not quite, but we are friendly.” Eren smiled at her, looking more like a wince.

“Oh Eren.” She reached out a hand to grab onto his, “I’m so sorry to hear that. He truly didn’t deserve you, that midget.”

“Hey.” Eren stroked his hand out of the grip, “It’s fine Mikasa, you don’t have to be all worked up about it. It’s all over, and I’m fine.”

Mikasa looked at him almost maternally, but managed to cut the conversation right there. That was the last time Levi Ackerman showed up in their conversation.

She should have been surprised when that invitation showed up in Eren’s mail box. It was like any wedding invitation, elegant and neatly designed, with names of, in this case, both grooms on it. Eren showed it to her rather indifferently, and said: “Do you want to come to this with me?”

Mikasa thought about it. On the surface that meant she was going to a wedding with Eren as a couple, and it’d be a sweet memory. Deeper down she felt rather uncomfortable about the situation, because it was like two exes bringing their now-partners to the same occasion and practically flaunting at each other’s face. She didn’t know why she saw it this way, but her gut told her this wasn’t going to be as innocent as it seemed.

Nevertheless her curiosity prevailed and she said yes.

The wedding took place in December, two weeks before Christmas. It was a small and cosy indoor wedding, with less than two dozen guests. None of the grooms’ parents showed up, only friends and acquaintances. The only family member there was Levi’s uncle Kenny, a tall, thin, dark-haired man who bore some resemblance to him. He smirked at Mikasa, who simply looked away.

Seeing Levi again after four years was rather unexpected. Mikasa didn’t plan to meet him anytime soon after their graduation, and her last impression of him was he and Eren holding hands in front of the camera by their freshman dorm. More to her surprise, Levi’s look didn’t change much - it looked like he didn’t age at all. He still had that same dark hair, pale skin, short stature, and big attitude, only he looked very happy today. It was not the subtle sort of happiness that was often disguised by his cynical expression, but spelled out, explicit joy. Mikasa saw him holding Erwin Smith’s hand on the table cloth as he talked, and had a sudden wishful thought that Eren didn’t see this.

On the table Erwin was talking now. He was tall, broad, and blond - almost the opposite of Levi. He had cerulean blue eyes and thick, bushy eyebrows. Fine lines formed in corners of his face, giving out that he was in his forties. No doubt he was a handsome man, and Mikasa could see why Levi would go back to him from being with Eren.

“Well the whole thing started at Pride.” Erwin said, “LA Pride 2007, where we first met. He wore a plain black tank top and a cravat, the weirdest outfit ever, but he made it the hottest thing I’ve seen.”

Levi clicked his tongue, looking annoyed but flattered. “You idiot.”

“Well that’s absolutely right sweetheart, because I fell right for him. I asked for his number and we went out that night. Two weeks in we were exclusive and before long we were in a committed relationship. Then things happened, I moved, he moved. My father died, and I had to pay extra alimony because my ex wife got breast cancer. I wasn’t doing well during that time, neither was Levi, so we decided to take a break.”

“A hell five-year-long break.” said Levi, “If you call that a break.”

“The good thing was it ended.” Erwin said cheerfully, “I moved to Seattle two years ago for a job opportunity, and Levi was there too. I didn’t know he was there until we ran into each other at a conference. Small world you see, never know whom you’re gonna run into when you wake up each morning.”

“Very funny.” Levi snickered, eyes smiling. 

“And we hit it up again. Nothing had changed. It almost felt like we never took that break, so I asked for his number again, dated him again, and now here we are, legally married.”

“So how did the proposal go?” A female guest asked. “I’m sure you’ve told it a hundred times but I just want to hear it again.”

“Oh my.” Erwin laughed, taking a hand to cover his face, “Oh course you want to hear it again. Everybody wants to hear it again, the proposal is like the meat of the sandwich.”

“God.” Levi said, “If you are too embarrassed to say it I’ll say it for you. Long story short, Erwin proposed to me at Pride this year. He kneeled down under a tree where we were resting, and pulled out this.” Levi raised his hand and turned his palm inward so everyone could see the ring, “and I said yes, so that was it.”

“Oh Levi, you are a terrible story teller.” another guest cooed, “Turning such a lovely story into a three-liner.”

“Well what do you expect? We’ve told the story literally a hundred times. Better fact I was thinking about proposing to him too, and I was already searching for a ring. But he beat me, just a little faster. I was gonna do it on his birthday in October.”

“Then we wouldn’t have the wedding so fast right?”

The guests all laughed, and the conversation went on.

Later that day Levi and Erwin exchanged their vows and kissed each other on the lips. The crowd cheered, including Eren and Mikasa, who stood up from their bench and gave their warm wishes. When they sat down Eren pulled Mikasa in for a hug. He held on to her so tightly that she thought he was clutching onto her instead of hugging her. Nevertheless she leaned in and let herself be immersed in his body heat. Eren tilted his head to rest on her shoulder, leaving a noticeable wet mark on her dress.

“Do you want to talk about it Eren?”

“What?”

“Talk about the wedding.” Mikasa asked. They were on the flight back and Eren was uncharacteristically quiet.

“What about the wedding?” Eren said, looking directly at the mini screen in front of him.

Mikasa sighed, as if breathing all she could then letting it out. “You should have told me he cheated on you.”

“Wait what?” Eren jumped and looked at her, eyes big, “You mean Levi? No he didn’t cheat on me. You got the wrong idea.”

“But they hooked up when you were still in a relationship! He betrayed you!”

“No they didn’t! They didn’t actually do anything until we broke up. Levi talked to me about it and I agreed to end things, I wanted it too.”

“So what made you want to end your relationship when apparently there was nothing wrong with it? Except this third person showing up out of nowhere of course. ”

“Well it was just things, relationship things. It was a bumpy ride from the beginning but it didn’t escalate to something unbearable until three years in. Levi and I were just different people, with different ideas about life, work, money, freaking cleaning routine and everything. We just couldn’t be together anymore.” Eren said speedily, looking like he was trying to get it over with. Mikasa saw the knot between his eyebrows and knew he was holding in much agony.

“So you broke up?”

“Yes. And just like Erwin said, they got back together.”

“And he invited you to his freaking wedding because you guys stayed friends?”

“Yes.”

They were both quiet for a moment until Mikasa said: “Listen Eren, if you ever want to talk about this stuff you can always talk to me ok? I love you and I want you to know I’m always here for you.”

Eren nodded and said “Thanks, I’m fine.”

Mikasa looked away. Sometimes she felt it was really difficult to communicate with Eren, other times she felt it always was.

Like that they flew back home and returned to their daily routine. Two weeks later, Eren proposed to Mikasa. Two days after that they brought the news home for Christmas.

Both of their families were elated. It was hard to say they didn’t see this coming, as they basically witnessed the birth and growth of their romance. Eren’s parents invited Mikasa’s family over for dinner the day after Christmas, the six of them had a good time. Mikasa caught Eren’s eyes across the table in between conversations and winked at him when passing over the brussel sprouts, who winked back and laughed. She felt this was the most Christmassy moment this year.

Later that night Mikasa’s mother asked her about the ring. She hadn’t had many opportunities to show it off yet, so every time she did she was learning about it too.

“Did he tell you how much it was?”

“Yes. Why?”

“It’s ok sweetheart, you don’t have to tell me. It’s just that the wedding ring should cost one tenth of a man’s salary. I want you to at least keep that in mind.”

“Hmm yes I guess that’s exactly how much it costs. Eren doesn’t make much yet, but he’s getting there. We are still young aren’t we?”

“Yes Mikasa, that’s exactly right.” Mikasa’s mother patted her on the shoulder and smiled, “At the end of the day materials are just materials, but without them life cannot function. A man who truly loves you will spend money on you.”

Mikasa nodded, though she didn’t really care. She’d be fine making more money than Eren her whole life if they stayed together, and she’d say yes even if Eren proposed to her over an onion ring.

On New Year’s Eve Mikasa stayed over at Eren’s house. They lounged in his childhood bedroom and slept in his baby bed. It felt oddly familiar to be back here, after so many years of living apart in their own apartments. Everything remained the same, including the gundam models on the bookshelf, the family photo on the desk, the stupid alarm clock Mikasa gave him on his fourteenth birthday. Even the smell was the same. Mikasa recalled the late afternoons and early evenings she and Armin spent here, though those days seemed to be far gone. She yawned, kissing Eren on the forehead, who kissed her on the lips.

That night they had traditional intercourse. By traditional it meant no plays, no toys, just missionary style sex. Eren made love to Mikasa on top of her, who maintained eye contact with him the entire time. She actually felt good this time, thanks to the holiday season and where they were. She recalled from her junior year statistics class that October was the month with the most childbirth because of the new year sex couples were having. She laughed at it but got caught in a moan midway, as Eren hit a good spot in her. She raised her palm to muffle her moans, not wanting to wake Eren’s parents up. But Eren was louder. He groaned and grunted, body drenched in sweat.  
When he came Mikasa somehow wished they didn’t use protection. She too wanted an October baby, maybe next year.

But there was no next year. Five months later on a sunny May afternoon, Eren broke off the engagement and broke up with her. Mikasa stood there dumbstruck, though meanwhile feeling a sense of clarity she’d never had before - it all made sense now.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things were going down and Mikasa has yet to learn the truth that'll hit her like a train.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally they broke up. Months and years of frustration has led to an explosion of emotions and accusations, and Mikasa thought she had enough. But who is ever a winner in fights like this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in this chapter things get really ugly. Both Mikasa and Eren said hurtful things to each other, some they meant some they didn't. It could be triggering so proceed with caution.

Throughout the years Mikasa learned that no breakup was whimsical - they were all deliberately plotted coup d'etat. But that didn’t mean she could handle a breakup like a pro - no one could - in fact she took it as a blow to her face.

Through bleary eyes and bloody vision she saw the path she walked with Eren. Maybe deep down she already saw it coming, but actually seeing it happen was another matter. She asked what, why, and how, to which Eren couldn’t answer.

“Eren, look, I know you are stressed. Wedding planning is a lot of work, and I already told Mom to not bother you with stuff like that. My family and I are in charge of that part, you don’t have to worry about any of it ok? ”

“No, Mikasa, it’s not about the wedding planning. It’s not like that. I appreciate everything you and your family are doing, but I just can’t do it anymore.”

“Can’t do what?” Mikasa confronted him, eyes locked on his with livid intensity, “You can’t marry me? Or you can’t take the responsibility and grow up?”

“I’m sorry. But no, it’s nothing like that. Mikasa, it’s all my fault. I have my own issues to deal with. It’s not you, it’s me.”

“Don’t you ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ me!” Mikasa nearly shouted, “I hate this one. It’s an easy excuse for cowards who can’t admit what went wrong. And you know what, it is you Eren. I can pat myself on the shoulder and say I did nothing wrong. This is just frustrating, like being trapped in someone else’s problem that I can’t fix?”

“Mikasa.” Eren muttered her name. It was not his first time seeing her rage, but every time felt like the first. Maybe it happened too rarely that Eren never got used to it.

“Say it Eren, what is this issue that you need to deal with? We can talk about it and figure something out.”

“No Mikasa, we can’t figure anything else. It’s purely my fault and no amount of talking can fix it.”

Mikasa squeezed her eyes shut then sprang them open. “Then spit it out! You are quite a talker aren’t you, growing up being this noisy brat who never shuts up. Now tell me, what made you change your mind after being engaged with me for five months?”

“Oh we’ve talked about this Mikasa, I swear.” Eren groaned, “We talked about this in college, when I came out to you senior year. I told you I was bi, and I still am.”

Mikasa froze, as if hearing something she’d been dying to shun out. “So what about it? I know you are bi, I never forgot your sexual orientation. But now what, did you realize you are just not into women or you are in love with another man?”

“What?!” Eren looked at her, shocked. He looked like he was insulted or something. “Are you implying infidelity? Are you saying I cheated on you with a man?”

“Then what? If you didn’t then prove it to me.”

“I don’t need to, because I never cheated on you!” Eren shouted, his face red, “I’ve been loyal to you this whole time. Even though I still preferred male bodies, I never once sought after a man. Because I committed to you!”

“Oh really now!” Mikasa snickered, “You still preferred males bodies didn’t you? Was that why you could never be a proper lover in bed? Sex with you sucked Eren. It was lifeless, joyless, and I did all the dirty work. You never even once asked my preference, how I wanted it , you only asked for more for yourself. You think I was enjoying it? No! I had enough.”

“But you never said anything! I thought you were fine.” Eren defended, “If you didn’t like something you should have said it. Otherwise how would I supposed to know? Who am I, God?”

Mikasa laughed scornfully. “You are helpless Eren. Why can’t you be sensitive for once in your life and pay attention to other people’s feelings, at least those who are close to you. You are so self-centered, indulged in your own world, only caring about yourself. Armin and I agreed on this years ago.”

“And you talk about this with Armin?” Eren glared at her, “You, talk about us, with Armin?

Who am I to you Mikasa, do I not deserve any personal space anymore? I trusted you and there you are, sharing every detail of our relationship with Armin?”

“No that’s not how it was.” Mikasa explained, “I didn’t tell Armin anything about us, it was just something we observed as kids. And it’s time for you to wake up Eren. When both of your childhood friends pointed out a flaw on you, it’s probably true.”

“And why should I listen to you Mikasa? You are not my mom, not my sister, but you always acted like them! I told you a million times stop being so smothering, but you never listened. You were suffocating me! If you won’t change then why would I?”

Mikasa got stunned at this statement. Eren poked a weak spot of hers, and she suddenly was losing her ground. She was never good at arguing.

“Listen Eren, I know I could be overprotective sometimes, but I never meant to suffocate you. And this shouldn’t be a deal breaker anyway. So what made you think we can’t be married?”

“Oh God!” Eren flung his palms to cover his face, “I thought I already told you Mikasa. It’s my sexuality. I’m bi, and I prefer males bodies. That’s the short answer.”

Panic hit Mikasa like a whirlwind. This was the last answer she wanted to hear. If it was any other issue she could probably work on it, but this, she couldn't. It was precisely a justifiable “it’s not you, it’s me” case.

“So why did you date me in the first place?” She asked accusingly, tears filling up her eyes, “Why did you ask me to be your girlfriend? If you preferred men this whole time why would you even bother?”

Eren looked at her, tongue tied in a knot. She was legitly crying at this point, tears trickling down her pretty face.

“Because I liked you Mikasa. When I asked you out I really meant it, and then I fell in love with you, so I asked you to be my girlfriend. I don’t know why I bothered either, but I just couldn’t leave you alone. Emotionally I love you very much, but I can’t imagine being married to you.”

“Why? Why can’t you?” Mikasa asked.

“Because I can’t ruin your life! If we end up married your whole life would be trapped in something you don’t want, and it’ll make you suffer ten times more than now.”

“How do you know I don’t want it? I wanted a marriage with you, a family, that’s why I said yes. Do you think I’m the type who doesn’t know what she wants?”

“Exactly! You know exactly what you want! You want the best for yourself and your kids. You told me you want three kids, all daughters. But look at me Mikasa, do you think I can father your children?”

“Gay men can father children.” Mikasa said coldly, “and you are not even gay.”

“But what kind of family would they grow up in? With a father who always wished for something else and a mother who was bitter and resentful, what kind of people would they grow up to be? You and I are lucky Mikasa, our families are loving and our parents are kind. Don’t you want the same thing for your own kids?”

Mikasa chewed on Eren’s words. It surprised her how deep Eren had thought about these things. This largely went against his seemingly childish and careless facet, leaving her a cold-headed realization that he’d been ruminating the breakup for a long time.

“And speaking of the sex.” Eren followed, “I didn’t know how much you hated it but I can say for myself that it could be better. I’ve had better so I know.”

Mikasa snickered, looking disgusted and hurt.

“This has nothing to do with how I feel about you. I love you very much, but I just prefer male bodies. This is just a fact.”

“So you asked me to put on a dick so I could penetrate you?” Mikasa spitted, “You disgust me Eren. Fuck you love me, fuck all of that. You’ve been using me from the beginning! You wanted a girlfriend when a man had broken your heart, so I became the easy target. Because you knew me, you knew I always had feelings for you. You abused my love Eren, you don’t deserve it.”

Eren looked so shocked and offended and devastated that he almost cried. 

“And fuck you being bi. You just want one more option than everyone else so you can cherry pick. You want the nurture and comfort of being with a woman but you also want the thrill and fun of being with a man. You can’t have the best of both worlds. No one can.”

“How dare you judge my sexuality like that?” Eren confronted her, “Bisexual is a legitimate thing. People can be attracted to both genders. It’s like a spectrum not solid black and white. I love you and am attracted to you physically to some extent, but that doesn't mean I can’t love a man and prefer his body!”

“But why did you propose to me then?” Mikasa held on to her ground unwaveringly, “All of the explanation you made doesn’t justify why you proposed to me in the first place.”

“Because at that time I really wanted to be married.” Eren said, “I wanted a family with you, wanted kids, wanted to settle down. Only later did I realize I was wrong. I was not ready.”

“When are you ever ready for anything?” Mikasa retorted, “People are suffering because of your whim. My life has been turned upside down because you couldn’t make up your mind. ”

Eren looked apologetically at her, wanting to speak but unable to. Mikasa knew she hit right at home so she waited for him to make a move.

“Alright I’m sorry Mikasa.” Eren confessed, “I’m so terribly sorry for everything I’ve done. I’m sorry for putting you through hell. This is why I said it was all my fault from the beginning. I shouldn’t have been so selfish and jealous and immature. I can’t ever make it up to you.”

“What do you mean ‘jealous’?” Mikasa alerted, “Jealous of what?”

“Jealous of them.” Eren muttered, voice so weak that Mikasa had to lean in to hear. “Levi and Erwin.”

It was like an ice bucket dumped over her head - icy cold but refreshing in some senses that she almost jumped.

“I saw them get married and got so jealous and bitter. You were there too so you know what I mean. Levi left me to go back to him and a year later they were legal. What did he think I was? We were together for three years and he never brought up the idea. And now there they were, holding hands and receiving blessings from everyone. So I told myself that I could do better. I could have a real, wholesome marriage with a wife, kids, and blessings from everyone, literally everyone, not just the LGBT community. And they could never have a biological child of their own, or the recognition and comfort of being mainstream. But I can, because I’m able to love a woman, which they cannot. I just wanted to beat them at one thing.” Eren paused to breathe, looking so exhausted and battered like he aged ten years in a heartbeat. “I’m terrible right? ”

Mikasa stared at him, emotions twirling and whirling. She knew her face must have looked ridiculous now with all the hatred, sympathy, hurt, and remorse fighting their way to be shown. But hurt prevailed at last, as she broke down into tears and hugged her shoulders with her own arms. She just wanted to disappear.

“Mikasa.” Eren called her name, which was unanswered. So he walked over and pulled her into his arms. He hugged her gently while patting her back. This scene felt oddly familiar, as he had flashbacks from their senior year, when he came out to her for the first time. She was crying just as hard, and he hugged her even harder. The difference was that back then Mikasa tried to fight back, this time she didn’t.

“I love you Mikasa, and I’m so sorry.”

By half past two everyone was pretty much trashed. Alcohol and drugs, there were just things people never managed to grow out of. Not including Mikasa of course, she never took to the idea of drinking and smoking in the first place. Even in their college days she wasn’t the type to indulge herself at parties. Tonight she only consumed food, leaving her the only sober person in the end.

She looked across the room and at everyone’s face. Sasha dozed off blissfully, brownie crumbs hanging by her chin. Conie was no better, splayed sloppily by the end of the couch, looking like a clothed sloth. Jean looked more graceful than those two, sitting straight up in a chair though his head kept knocking forward. Armin crouched himself into a ball next to her, not really asleep but not in a place to talk or move either. And the others, three or four of them, all retreated to places and positions that made themselves comfortable. The whole place looked enchanted, and everybody was in some sort of a trance. Mikasa had never felt so awake her whole life, like she was the sorcerer who casted that spell, bewitching them with her story.

It was no surprise that her college friends, being the rowdy bunch they were, asked her to share her break-up story with them. First engagement story, then break-up story, she bet no movie was as juicy as this. Again she didn’t share much detail, only saying that the engagement was called off because she and Eren realized they were not compatible. She knew Armin sensed something else, being smart as he was, it was no use playing dumb in fromt of him. She would have to find an opportunity to tell him everything. But everyone else seemed to have bought the story in its entirety, not once questioning its authenticity. They listened with undivided attention and occasional “ohh’s” and “ahh’s” when she hit a particular hard fact, saying they were sorry to hear that and they wished they could stay friends after the break-up. Jean even looked relieved for a second, but Mikasa caught it nonetheless. She knew Jean still had feelings for her, which only made sense that he would be happy to find her single again. Not like any of it mattered.

Soon the effect of hearing the tragedy wore off and people got back to what they were doing. The atmosphere was relaxed and cheerful again, with old friends talking and ample alcohol laying around. Then someone suggested weed, which started a new riot. People smoked and laughed, got high and got tired. Mikasa took in the scene as a quiet observer, like a hermit who got a peek of the secular world. She wondered what Eren would be doing if he was here, then she shook the idea out of her head.

In the midst of rhythmic breathing and snoring filling the room, Mikasa felt more alone than she’d ever been. And at the moment, all she wanted to do was to go home and actually be alone, entirely.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think at this point of the story I gotta make some clarifications as the author. Eren, though terrible the things he did, didn't mean for any of the disasters to happen. He is confused and struggling too. Emotionally he really loves Mikasa but he is just so limited in what he can do. This story is told from the female pov so we sympathize with Mikasa naturally. But I don't want to make it a she said, he said sort of story. At the end of the day no party is the culprit. If Eren seems like a complete jerk to you then it's me doing a poor job as the story teller. Please share with me what you think. Always open to ideas :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa went out and did some experiment. Would she be surprised at her findings? And what would Armin say when he learned everything?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: brief F/F sex.

Mikasa grew up with the song “I Kissed a Girl.” It was a pop icon in her teenage years and everybody knew it. They would sing along with it casually without giving second thoughts to the lyrics - at least Mikasa didn’t, she never took lyrics seriously. Therefore she was shocked when lyrics came to life.

She kissed a girl when she was 27. Annie Leonhart was this girl she met online. After breaking up with Eren she went berserk with dating and exploring. For the first time in her life she downloaded a dating app and created a profile. She set her preference to view everybody, men and women and whatever they identified as. Then she matched with Annie, and they went out for the first time.

Annie was beautiful - stunning, to say the least. Mikasa knew she was good-looking herself hearing all the compliments growing up, but she was never obsessed with the idea of looks. She didn’t spend much effort on fashion or beauty, and didn’t have her eyes linger on girls who were stylish. But she could appreciate them - being a woman she knew the hard work put under their makeup and outfits. Therefore she was a little nervous being with Annie, wondering what a fashionista like her saw in herself. Annie’s aloof personality didn’t help with that. In fact for the majority of their dinner neither of them spoke. Mikasa quietly ate her salad while stealing glances at Annie through her bare eyelashes. Annie’s mascaraed ones flipped as she blinked, her blue eyes icy cold.

Surprisingly the atmosphere wasn’t awkward. Annie seemed to enjoy the quietness of Mikasa’s company, who returned the favor readily and gracefully. Being slow to warm up herself, she was much more comfortable with a reserved companion than a loud and boisterous one.

Then the night fell and the city lighted up. Mikasa had never spent nights at strangers’ places before. Even back in college she would try to go home at the end of parties to avoid any walks of shame. But this was a Friday night and Mikasa really didn’t want to go home. She didn’t want to see the things Eren left behind, nor did she want to smell or sense his presence from weeks ago. She was not even drunk, but she felt dizzy and tispy from head to toe.

Therefore it happened - she kissed a girl. The second Annie’s door closed behind them Mikasa was pinned to her back and engulfed in an open-mouthed kiss. Annie’s lips were soft and warm, she kissed her gently yet hungrily. Mikasa suddenly realized where that intimidating air of Annie’s came from - she was quite aggressive. This wasn’t a girl men could mess with, as she could easily break their necks if she wanted to. Mikasa considered herself stronger than an average girl, but Annie was on another level. She was dominant and ruthless. And judging from her muscular, toned body, she must have been a pro at some sort of martial arts.

Mikasa kissed her back and touched her body experimentally, eliciting a gasp from the blond, who slipped her hand down Mikasa’s jeans to fumble with her butt. Mikasa got turned on immediately and moaned under her ministrations. It was so different being touched by a girl. Unlike guys, girls were soft and gentle and skillful, most importantly, they weren’t physically threatening. Having been with only one guy her whole life, Mikasa didn’t have much of a data pool, but still Eren was biologically taller, broader, heavier, and stronger. Sometimes he would hurt her accidentally, not knowing how much strength he possessed. But Annie was different. Petite as she was, she never made Mikasa feel physically inferior. Though fierce in bed, she still managed to look delicate in Mikasa’s presence, knowing exactly how hard to pinch, how deep to thrust, and how fast to go. 

By the time she went down on her Mikasa totally lost it. She barely remembered how they got on the bed, or how she and Annie were both stripped naked. All she could remember was her pale-blue, peeled-off ceiling, and the reminiscence of her designer perfume.

They wrapped up fairly quickly, for Mikasa didn’t manage to hold very long. She felt rather guilty because she couldn’t tell how Annie got off. When she finally came down from her high Annie was already sitting next to her, eyes icy cold again.

“You’re quite a pillow princess you know?” she said.

“I’m...a what?”

“Only taking, no giving. That’s what they are called.”

Mikasa felt her face burn a crimson red. She didn’t blush easily so this must have been a real blow to her ego.

“No biggie. I figured you are not really into girls, you are just curious.”

Mikasa turned to look at Annie, bemused and enlightened.

“You don’t need to act all surprised. I’m sure you know yourself more than I do. It’s just something girls do. I’ve slept with straight girls before so I know. They just want to experiment.”

“Are you offended?”

“No.” Annie blinked, “Just disappointed.”

“I’m sorry.” Mikasa said sincerely. She really meant it.

“It’s ok. At least you’ve got a nice body. It was not all a waste of time.”

Mikasa told everything to Armin. Everything, from the wedding to the breakup to her fantastical one night stand. Armin listened, just like back in their school days. His calm blue eyes looked into Mikasa’s dark brown ones, offering her wordless solace.

“You don’t have to say anything Armin. Whatever you say won’t make me feel better.”

“I know. That’s why I’m not saying anything.”

“You do?” Mikasa raised an eyebrow.

“Yes. You just wanted to let it out of your system, not seeking advice. That’s just what girls do.”

“Ha.” Mikasa let out a dry laugh, “and look who is the expert now.”

“Not me.” Armin shrugged defensively, “I didn’t say anything. I’m merely telling you what I observed.”

“That’s fine.” Mikasa turned away to look at the neon lights outside her window. “I appreciate you listening.”

“You are welcome. That’s what friends are for.”

“Hey Armin, do you think at the end of the day I deserve what I got?”

“You mean being broken off from your engagement and broken up with? Certainly not. Nobody deserves that misfortune.”

“Then what did I do wrong? I kept thinking back to see what I did wrong in our relationship but got nowhere. Was it truly all Eren’s fault?”

“No. Relationship failure is hardly one person’s fault. Though Eren was the root of the problem, You nurtured it.” Armin raised a hand to stop Mikasa from chiming in, “For example you are terrible at communicating. Growing up I barely heard you complain about anything, how’s that normal for anybody? You gotta have something that rubs you the wrong way. There’s no help keeping it in.”

“But you know me Armin. I never like expressing myself. Complaining is just not my thing.”

“Do you think that makes you weak?”

“No, maybe yes. I don’t know. I just don’t like being vulnerable. Plus it doesn't help with the situation does it? ” 

“Well maybe it does? Think about it, if only you told Eren you didn’t like what he was doing in bed he could at least be aware of it and work on it. Instead you kept it to yourself till you exploded with grudge and discontent. How did that help with the situation?”

“But what if I told him early on and he got insecure about it? Maybe he would think we weren’t compatible and shouldn’t be together.”

“Then he’d be damn right! Reality proves that you are indeed incompatible and are better off separated.” Armin held back a breath when he saw Mikasa’s offended expression, “Look, I know it hurts to hear, but truth is often hurtful. Even if he didn’t realize the incompatibility from this instance he would find out elsewhere I guarantee you. And you were aware of the red flags from the beginning! Eren came out to us five years ago, and it’s not like his sexuality can change overnight. He will always prefer men, forever and ever, no matter how much you love him.”

“But he dated me! He asked me out, courted me, asked me to be his girlfriend and we even got engaged. He wouldn’t have done any of it if he didn’t love me.”

“I never said Eren didn’t love you. I believe he held immense feelings towards you, and he still does. But how he feels about you won’t help the situation.”

“So you think he did love me? But how could he do this to me if he held even the slightest respect towards me? He betrayed my trust, used my identity as a woman to achieve his revenge! He was dumped by his boyfriend so he wanted something different, something else. That’s all I was, a convenience offered on the table.”

“No! You are twisting the facts.” Armin snapped at her, “Stop spiraling your feelings. Eren might have entered this engagement unprepared and with some ulterior motive, but that doesn’t mean he was deliberately using you! I grew up with you guys, I saw your interactions years after years. I know what I see. You guys share a bond, he meant it when he proposed to you, and he still loves you. But you see, love is not enough.”

“Of course I know that. When is love ever enough?” Mikasa said bitterly, “Eren and I are done. There is no chance of us ever getting back together after what happened. I’ve made enough compromises being with him and I’m tired.”

“See, that’s it Mikasa. You weren’t as happy in your relationship as you thought. You were suppressing your needs this whole time.”

“Perhaps.” Mikasa said, “But it’s Eren you are dealing with. What else can you do?”

They both kept quiet for a moment. All they could hear was the traffic roaring down the street.

“But Mikasa, promise me one thing, that you are not going to run away from this. You are going to talk to Eren and sort out your feelings.”

“...Do I have to?”

“Yes, because you need to process your feelings properly. I’ll tell you a secret. Do you know why men have a harder time letting go of their exes?”

“Why?” Mikasa asked curiously.

“Because they never actually get over them! Men shut down and block out whatever is troubling them, and pretend the pain doesn’t exist. But they are just lying to themselves. You girls take time to grieve and mourn, which makes you devastated in the beginning, but in the end you are completely healed and moved on. It’s like you feel pain at 10 out of 10 then 0 out of 10, but we feel pain at 3.1415926 chronically. It won’t kill but it’s never gone.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I bet Eren never got over Levi. He just pretended he did to move on. ‘Fake it till you make it’ you know. But he didn’t expect it to backfire like this.”

“I knew it.” Mikasa sighed, “I knew there was something wrong there but he never talked to me. Now thinking back I know exactly why - he just didn’t want to face something he couldn’t process. He was denying the truth and wanted to stay away from it.”

“Yes and no. I think Eren accepted the truth that their relationship was over and was looking for ways to cope with it. For example he moved back here, found a job here and dated you. He even attended Levi and Erwin’s wedding to show he was completely over them. But obviously that was a big mistake. So he did something even more impulsive to hide his insecurity - he proposed to you. It all makes sense now doesn’t it?”

“And over the past few months he realized he really couldn’t be married to a woman and decided to abort our relationship? Truly efficient.” Mikasa said sarcastically. 

“Well Mikasa, terrible it is, there is at least one silver lining here.”

“What is it?”

“He is being honest to himself at last!”

“Well, I guess, if you count that one.”

“And you found some clarity for yourself as well. You went out to explore what you truly are and what you prefer.”

“Oh come on, I was just being silly.” Mikasa chuckled, blushing slightly.

“Not completely. At least now you know you are not into another gender as Eren is, that you are completely straight. No need to compete for something like that.”

“That’s true.”

“You are straight. Own it.”

Mikasa looked at Armin, her brown eyes watering. Then she laughed, open mouthed and happy.

“Yes, and I’m pretty cool.”

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trio went to the beach and had some open conversations. What would be Eren and Mikasa's next steps?

Mikasa had often thought of time as an interesting but conflicting subject. It was unnoticeable when you were acute about everything else in your life, but painfully obvious when you tried to steer away from it. She had just lived the three longest weeks in her life, during which time seemed to be ticking second by second, yet still going too slow.  
It was the first twenty-one days post her and Eren’s breakup.

It would be an understatement to say she was devastated. She had had her heart broken before, by the same person actually, but that was nothing compared to this. Being in a committed relationship with someone for any extended period of time was taxing in its nature, let alone severing it fiber by fiber from where the flesh grew connected. She felt part of her went missing, and no amount of searching could bring it back. It was like she hid it somewhere when she was drunk and wrote down its location on a piece of paper, only that she burned the paper in the fire.

She hadn’t talked to Eren even once after the breakup. She didn’t delete his number or block him or anything, just kept on living her life trying not to think about it. Eren didn’t contact her either, which was not a surprise given his inclination to shut down under emotionally stressful situations. Mikasa couldn’t help but wonder if Eren ever missed her, if he ever thought about her in between work breaks, on train rides, and in the shower; if he ever dreamed about her at night and called out her name. Because she certainly had. She had thought about Eren non-stop subconsciously over the weeks, much like sleepwalking. It was the toughest thing she’d ever done, and she wouldn’t wish it upon her worst enemy.

Therefore when Armin suggested they meet up with Eren she was not ready. She felt she could never be ready to meet Eren again after what happened. How should she act? Friendly, bitterly, Indifferently? How would Eren react when he met her? Would he not talk to her at all, or simply pretend nothing happened?

“There’s no need to overthink things Mikasa.” Armin consoled her, “We’ll find out when we see him.”

And just like that they reunited. Armin had just bought a new car and suggested they take a road trip somewhere. He first picked up Mikasa, then Eren, following the exact routine they did in high school. Mikasa and Eren were quiet in their seats, eyes glued to the scenery outside the window, as if they’d never seen trees or houses before. At one point they even opened their water bottles to drink at the same time. Mikasa met Eren’s eyes from the rear view mirror and turned away determinedly. About twenty minutes in Armin asked: “So do you guys have somewhere in mind?”

Silence. Neither Eren nor Mikasa seemed to want to talk.

“Umm guys, you certainly don’t want to just run around the highway.”

“I don’t know, wherever convenient for you.” Eren said, his voice hoarse from not speaking.

“Maybe somewhere we can walk around? It’s a nice day out.” Mikasa said.

“That sounds like a plan. Eren, what do you say?”

“Sure.”

“You sure?”

After a short pause, Eren looked at Armin from the rear view mirror and said: “Let’s go to the beach.”

It was a May day and the beach was empty. May was still chilly in where they lived and every year they’d seen people wearing winter coats on an unfortunately rainy and windy day. Today was OK though, just chilly, no rain. 

They got off the car and walked onto the sand one after another. This was one of the sketchier beaches in their neighborhood, the sand coarse and the water muddy. However it was still a beach, for the salty smell and mewing seagulls wouldn’t lie. Mikasa observed Eren quietly. He looked thinner and shabbier. She could even see little stubble growing out on his chin. Had he not been taking care of himself?

“Armin.” Eren called, “What are you up to?”

Armin turned and looked at him. “Nothing. Just figured we should hang out and talk for a bit. It’s been a while hasn’t it?”

“Ha.” Eren laughed, “Depends on how you define ‘a while.’”

“Well, at least not since you guys got engaged.” Armin shrugged, “You guys seemed to have retreated into your little world after that. In fact I was kinda singled out ever since you two started dating.”

Mikasa recognized the accusatory tone in Armin’s voice and glanced at him anxiously. Armin returned her glances with a smile and continued, “At least that meant neither of you had come to me to confide in your relationship. I thought that was cool, because no news is good news. But I was wrong to assume everything was alright with your guys, because the next thing I heard was that you broke up.”

“So?” Eren raised an eyebrow.

“So I heard everything from Mikasa since she came to me first. Eren, what about you?”

“What about me?”

“What about your side of the story? What was on your mind and what do you plan to do?”

“I was, just stupid.” Eren said, “For thinking that by marrying a woman I could put everything into places.”

“Define everything.”

“I don’t know, just everything I care about. My life, family, future, my past. I thought if I was able to get married to a woman like everyone else I could live a normal life, and show Levi and Erwin that I won. How stupid.”

They were quiet for a moment. The waves splattered the sand rhythmically, sounding almost mesmerizing.

“Are you over that now?”

“Over what, Levi? Yeah of course. It’s not like I can pretend everything is easy breezy all of a sudden but I won’t get triggered anymore. I’ve paid enough price.”

“And your price was dragging Mikasa down the water with you?”

“What?” Eren sounded suddenly defensive.

“Chill Eren, that wasn't an accusation. I did not drive you guys to the beach to criticize you. I just want to hear you speak.”

“Then why did you side with Mikasa?”

“Of course I would side with Mikasa, because you were terrible to her!” Armin yelled, “Anyone who heard what you’ve done would be outraged. Mikasa was right about you being selfish and dismissive. You just took her for granted.”

“I didn’t! I did what I could as a boyfriend to make our relationship work. I’d never had a girlfriend before so I didn’t know what to expect or was expected of me. Levi is a guy and he is quite eccentric so it’s not like I can apply what I did with him to Mikasa. Maybe I’m just not good enough to be in a relationship with anyone.”

“True, but only half. It’s not like you are good or you are not.” Armin said, “But you certainly have space to improve. As your friend I know you could be really insensitive and self-centered, but I’m OK with it because I don’t have relationship-level expectations of you. But treating a romantic partner is just different. You have to listen and let them talk.”

Eren didn’t respond. His lips pursed tightly together.

“I know Mikasa is not a talker so I told her to speak up. That aside, you are really not meant for each other.”

Both Eren and Mikasa jerked and looked at Armin, as if stung by a bee. 

“It’s true. Not all friends can be lovers. I know you guys shared something special and the bond is still there, but that doesn’t mean your relationship will work. Let’s face it, if fourteen years of knowledge and practice won’t make something work, it won’t work ever.”

Mikasa sighed. She thought about the fourteen years she had spent knowing Eren, and that memory seemed to be so strange to her. A lot of the things they did were still fresh, but the feeling was remote and washed off.

“So yeah, I think you guys should break up for good.”

“Mikasa, what do you say?” Eren asked tentatively.

“I agree.” She muttered. “I thought that was what we were planning to do in the first place?”

“Fair enough.” Eren shrugged, “Like Armin said, we are just better off as friends.”

Mikasa nodded and felt her eyes burning. She could have cried on the spot but the tears just stopped themselves last minute. This wasn’t supposed to be sad, she told herself. This was a good thing because both she and Eren wanted it. This would benefit them both.

“So Eren, what are you going to do?” Armin asked.

“Do what?”

“What are your next steps?”

“I don’t know.” Eren contemplated, “I think I’ll check out another city and live there for a couple of months, or years, depending on how I feel at the moment.”

“And before that?”

“Before what?”

“Before you move. Don’t you think you need to settle something before you start a new life elsewhere?”

“...What are you implying?”

“I mean, it’s time to tell your parents.” Armin said, ignoring the surprise on Eren and Mikasa’s faces. “I just think if you want to live a quality life being who you are you need to stay on the same page with your family. Don’t you want to share your life with them? Don’t you want to relieve yourself of the burden and the lies? I know you are close to your family Eren, and they love you more than anything else.”

Hearing this, Mikasa had flashbacks to their college graduation ceremony. Eren invited both his parents and Levi, but carefully separated the parties. Knowing exactly what was happening, Mikasa felt it wasn’t what Eren wanted, but there simply weren’t other options. But looking back she’d really been keeping Eren’s secret for too long. Five years had passed and she still hadn’t told anyone. Maybe that was why Eren came out to her first - she was the master of keeping secrets.

Nevertheless, it seemed like the secret would be no more, for Eren twisted his eyebrows and looked at Armin inquisitively. That was the sort of expression he would make when he was seriously considering a suggestion, which Mikasa couldn’t be more familiar with.

“You mean I just come out to my family and see what happens?”

“Sort of, but it’s not that much of a bet for you, because your family is really open-minded.” Armin said, “It would be worth a try, you’ve got nothing to lose anyway. You are 27 now and can perfectly support yourself, so you don’t need to worry about your family kicking you out. And your family is pretty liberal, so that’s one fewer layer of complexity.”

“But what if they are shocked and disappointed?”

“Maybe shocked but disappointed in what?” Armin said, “Disappointed in you not being able to give them grandchildren? Come on, your family is not about that. They may love children but they have enough going on in their lives to stay occupied. If it was Mikasa’s mom then it would probably be a problem. It’s an Asian thing you know, grandchildren and family tradition.”

Mikasa raised an eyebrow upon hearing her name, to which Armin merely smiled and patted her on the shoulder.

“Sorry Mikasa, I didn’t mean to.”

“No you’re fine.” Mikasa said, “My mom would freak out if I told her I was anything other than straight. Or maybe it was my grandparents who would freak out. I don’t know, this conversation is not about me, and I’m not even gay.”

“You got a point there Mikasa, but this conversation is also about you.” Armin laughed, sounding relieved, “Eren needs to come out to his parents. What about you? What are your next steps?”

“Me? Just chilling I guess.” Mikasa managed to put on a smile, “I need some time to recover, but after that I should be up and running.”

“Good.” Armin said, “Let me know if you need a pair of ears. I’m always here.”

“Thanks Armin.”

“Anytime.”

Just like that they walked on the beach for a good forty minutes. By the time it got too windy Armin suggested they go back to the car. It was at this moment Mikasa realized their window of frank, judgement-free conversation was coming to an end. As soon as they got in the car she and Eren would go back to their shells and it would be hard to bring up uncomfortable topics again. Uneasy as she was, Mikasa knew she had to make her point across.

So she turned to Eren and said: “Promise me Eren. In the future if you ever date a girl again, make sure you tell her your sexuality in the first place, in its exact measure.”

Eren looked at her, eyes green and sentimental. “I won’t.”

“What?”

“I won’t ever date girls again. You are my last.”

Mikasa stood there speechless for a second, then smiled. “Well Eren, that’s good for you.”

She recalled something she read in a book that, a man always wanted to be someone’s first, and a woman always wanted to be someone’s last. It came to her more clearly than ever that it was true. She and Eren were never getting back together, but at least she was something he could never find replacement for. In fact she finished a chapter of his life, and that was a powerful realization.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren came out to his parents, and Mikasa did what she always wanted to do...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So finally we are here. This chapter wraps up the story, in the hope of giving everything a closure. Thank you all for reading up to this point. See my notes at the end for more explanations.

Mikasa didn’t know how Eren came out to his parents. All she knew was that it went well, for the next time she saw Eren he looked relieved.

“How did it go?” She asked nervously, “Did they take it OK?”

“Yeah.” Eren said, “They were fine with it. Figured I was not that into girls a long time ago.”

“What? Really?” Mikasa gasped, “How did they figure out? Was it your mom or your dad?”

“First it was my mom, then my dad noticed too. Mom said I didn’t treat girls like girls when I was with them. Like, I wasn’t treating them like they were the opposite sex, that I was way too comfortable around them. She said boys my age - she meant middle schoolers - would act all sensitive and dramatic about it. But I didn’t. I treated girls like they were genderless.”

Mikasa paused to think, remembering when she and Eren were living together as roommates, Eren would literally open the bathroom door to talk to her when he was showering. Later on he showed no particular interest in her until she started stripping. She should have noticed, all these not-so-subtle signs. But being as inexperienced as she was, it was hard to tell one thing from another.

“So when I came out to them they were like OK, thought so, glad you are telling us.”

“But did they ever question your sexuality before?”

“No. I think they just didn’t bother. My mom and dad knew that I didn’t like being interfered or interrogated, so they just let me figure things out myself.”

“And they weren’t suspicious when you got engaged to me?”

“No. They liked you Mikasa, they couldn’t have asked for a better daughter-in-law. And there was no confirmation of any kind that I wasn’t into girls, so they just took it at face value - I swear to you Mikasa, they weren’t deliberately hiding things from you.”

“I know.” Mikasa said, feeling a little uneasy nevertheless. “They couldn’t have known.”

“And I’m sorry for what I did.” 

Eren apologized so quickly that Mikara couldn’t even react, but she smiled faintly and said: “I take it.”

Eren returned the smile, looking sheepish like his teenage self. They were in the middle of a park right now. The sunshine beamed through the trees above them, leaving little light spots on their faces. 

After a few moments of silence Mikasa said: “So how do you feel? Having finally spilled out this secret to your parents.”

“Feels great!” Eren said, “I used to be so worried about how they would react. I heard horror stories about people coming out, some were disowned, some were physically harmed, and some were just guilty trapped to the point that they had to give up living their sexuality. I knew my parents weren’t horrible but still, it wasn’t an easy step to take."

“Did Levi give you any advice in coming out?” Mikasa asked, “You were together for three years so I bet you talked about this.”

“Yes we did.” Eren nodded, “Levi’s situation was different. He was an orphan who grew up in foster homes so it wasn’t like he had anybody to come out to. There was his uncle Kenny but he couldn’t care less. So Levi didn’t have any practical experiences. But he did give me some advice. He said you don’t have to actually come out, because you are always ‘out.’ Your actions speak volume. Words only make it official.”

“That’s...quite smart.” Mikasa said approvingly after giving it some thoughts.

“Yeah, I guess that’s why my parents weren’t so surprised after all. They had a decade to figure me out.”

“True. I’m happy for you Eren. Now you are finally being honest to yourself.”

“Yeah, took me a while to get here.”

Eren’s flight was on the last Sunday of June. Eren had found a new job in this new city and rented an apartment on his own. Mikasa knew he always longed for some sort of adventure, and moving from place to place was his thing. So this was his dream come true.

She and Armin went to the airport to see him off. They helped him check his bags and hang out with him a little before he had to go through security. Mikasa watched Eren talk to Armin and was amazed to realize that he seemed taller. It was impossible for a 27-year-old man to grow so it must have been the way he carried himself. Eren seemed more confident and comfortable now. Perhaps it was because he smiled more often than before, and his green eyes would light up at the stupidest jokes.

By half past two they decided it was time for Eren to go and Armin excused himself to the restroom. Mikasa took it as a cue that he wanted her and Eren to have some time alone, or maybe say something in private. She hesitated, not knowing if she should be going to the restroom too.

“Hey Mikasa.” 

Eren called her out. She jerked and turned back.

“Can I get a hug?”

She hesitated again, not knowing what this was supposed to mean. Before everything happened she would never hesitate to give Eren a hug, because what was more important than showing him love - romantic or platonic, considering they were friends longer than they were lovers. But now everything felt different. The person standing in front of her was Eren indeed, but a total stranger in some other way. It was like a resistance power awakened in her body, pulling her away from Eren unconsciously. This was because she still loved him, she thought, and her brain was saying “no.”

Nevertheless, brain power was almost always futile when dealing with love, and Mikasa knew she would always have this soft spot for Eren, regardless of whether she had forgiven him, stopped loving him, or still missed him.

So she stepped up and gave Eren a big hug. They were almost the same height so Eren’s chin rested comfortably in the crook of her neck. She hugged him in the motherly, sisterly way that Eren hated so much, but it was hard to place herself anywhere else on the scale. She loved him, no matter the form.

“Eren, you will have an amazing adventure.” She said in his ears, “You will meet great people and have amazing relationships. You will have a great life.”

Eren’s body shook in her arms, his bony shoulders felt more rigid than ever. Then he nodded and whispered back in Mikasa’s ears: “You too Mikasa. You will have a great life. I’ll always be thinking about you.”

Then Armin came back. He quietly approached them, as if not wanting to intrude anything. Mikasa and Eren let go of each other naturally and smiled at him. Armin and Eren hugged and patted each other on the back, then Eren turned and walked towards the security checkpoint. He turned back once, twice, to wave at them, then disappeared behind the crowd.

It was at this moment Mikasa finally let her tears drop.

One year later, June again.

Mikasa had found a job in industry, which paid more and worked less, and she was finally able to get some of her life back. Armin did the same thing. They ditched their old employers earlier in the year and were happier than ever about their decisions. 

“I always knew I didn’t want that life.” Armin said, as he and Mikasa sat down for brunch. “It was just the kick-off for something better.”

“I wish I knew what I wanted that early.” Mikasa said, “It took me a bit to figure out I wasn’t a workaholic as I seemed.”

“Well at least you figured it out.” Armin mumbled, stuffing a spoonful of scrambled egg in his mouth, “Some people never figure out.”

“True.” Mikasa laughed, clearly thinking of someone she knew. “I just think that life is so much more than this. I need time for myself you know.”

“Touche.” Armin said, “and you are more social now. People like seeing you Mikasa, and you are really good at making new friends.”

“Thanks, I’m trying.”

“So what’s the plan for next weekend?”

“I’m doing it. Did you forget?”

“Oh that! Did you already sign up?”

“Yes I did.” Mikasa said nervous-yet-excitedly. “It’s next Sunday.”

“Have fun! I’ll be watching you. Meet me at the finish line when you are done.”

“Sure!”

The last Sunday of June was the Pride Parade in their city. 

Mikasa signed up to walk with her employer a week ago, having hesitated for another three weeks before that. She wasn’t sure why she felt the urge to participate in Pride, but some strings inside her echoed at the thought, which she took as a cue to listen further in.

It had been six years since she was first exposed to the idea of Pride. Six years ago, when 22-year-old Eren texted her the photos of Pride she was a little taken aback, but more on the jealous side if she was being honest to herself. She remembered how Eren and Levi held hands, how the crowds cheered and rallied, how everything was so rainbow and hyper that it seemed other-worldly. Thinking back, she really didn’t get the point of it. She was so busy envying Eren and Levi’s happiness that she dismissed the whole idea altogether. It was almost a sense of abandonment, like everyone was having fun at this big party and somehow she wasn’t invited. Maybe she didn’t want to be invited, she told herself, maybe she didn’t belong in their world whatsoever so she’d rather stay away.

Fast forward six years later, Mikasa was able to look at her feelings with a fresher look. Having matured and wised, she admitted that she had feelings for Eren at the time, which resulted in her bitterness towards his relationship with Levi. But deep down she had nothing against gay couples. She thought they were just like everyone else and deserved every right the straight couples had. She witnessed this at Levi and Erwin’s wedding, which she too dismissed at the time because of Eren. Now being rid of any personal baggage or biased opinions, Mikasa really wished the two could have a happy life together.

Speaking of this, she couldn’t help but wonder who Eren would end up with. According to their sporadic texts and calls, Eren was still single as of today. He had been going out with a few people but none led to a committed relationship. It’d only been a year anyway, and Eren wasn’t known for moving on fast. “Maybe it’s good for him to stay single for a while.” Armin said, “And you too Mikasa. Don’t rush into things.”

In fact she didn’t need Armin’s reminder - she had been alone completely. Letting people in her world had always been a challenge, and she wasn’t ready to do that until her wound fully healed. It wasn’t like she was still hurting over her and Eren’s breakup, but the idea of love really tired her and she just wanted to work on herself for now.

Coincidentally she realized that being single was the happiest state one could sustain, being completely independent and impervious, no amount of negativity or sentiment could penetrate. For someone who loved being in control, Mikasa embraced this status quo with open arms. She was now safe to assume that every bit of happiness and sorrow she felt was earned by herself, for there was no other person to be the source of her emotions.

With this new mindset in check, Mikasa realized she could treat Eren like an old friend again. Not the type of friends they used to be, for relationships were hardly reversible. She once heard someone say that if you ever truly loved someone, you could not be friends with them after you break apart. She could see that being true. She had definitely loved Eren and their relationship was meaningful. Nevertheless, her gut told her that she was over it, and her mind was at peace. This came to her at a rather random moment when she was on the phone with Eren. Eren was running some errands on the other end, mumbling “thank you” and “yes please” to cashiers and concierge as he went. Their conversation was flowing but hollow, like a donut without its glaze. She then realized it was the spirit that was gone. Their lives were no longer in sync and they weren’t as curious about each other as they seemed to be. Maybe it was due to habit, maybe it was simply good-natured, but Mikasa knew she wouldn’t look forward to another phone call with Eren anymore. They were finally over each other.

The June air was sweet and warm. Their city finally got a full-blown taste of summer and everyone was already in the mood of July. Mikasa dressed in denim shorts and a rainbow patterned T-shirt with her company’s logo on it. She brought sunglasses in case it got too sunny, but took them off the second she arrived at the gathering place - everything was so bright and stunning that she had to witness it with her bare eyes.

The place that used to be a busy financial and shopping district turned into an ocean of rainbows. Buildings, blocks, gates, and poles all dressed up in colors, reflecting the people coming in and out, going left and right. Mikasa thought her outfit was bold enough, but it was nothing compared to the crowd. Everyone was wearing something different, from the most modest to the most revealing, some plain and some stylish, but all with one thing in common - the rainbow colors. She walked towards her colleagues’ gathering spot and greeted everyone cheerfully. The girl next to her had a little rainbow heart “tattooed” to her face, and smiled at her as she walked over.

“Didn’t know you signed up too. You are Mikasa right?”

“Yes, from Finance. And what’s your name again? I’ve seen you at lunch before.”

“Louise.” The girl said, smiling yet more brightly, “Nice to meet you.”

Maybe this was what Eren meant when he wished her a happy Pride all those years ago. She now could see the things he saw with her own eyes, and feel the things he felt with her own heart. Mikasa let her skin bathe in the warm afternoon sun as she and the crowd marched across the city’s historical streets; let her ears indulge in the cheers and applause as they passed by each block and neighborhood. She discovered much hidden beauty in this city, the one she usually overlooked because of her busy footsteps. But now with a heart wide open, she was able to capture and appreciate everything. More importantly she realized that, what she saw was a thousand times better than what Eren sent her. She would have to text him some of her photos too, after the parade was over. 

Thinking of this, she took out her phone and snapped a picture of the next thing she saw. Louise’s hands were up in the air, waving triumphantly. Her rainbow wristband shining brightly against the huge rainbow flag flowing behind her. The sky was blue and the trees were green. Mikasa had never been happier.

FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all for reading. You are all amazing, and your comments really made me think and pushed more great ideas in my head. I just have to say this is my first attempt in writing a Eremika centered story, let alone going for Mikasa's POV. I deliberately avoided telling any part of the story from Eren's perspective because I wanted this story to be Mikasa's story - her growth, self-discovery, reflection, and reconciliation. I wanted to show how a straight female perceives a situation like this and eventually came to reconcile with herself and the world around her. This is by no means representational, because everyone is different and everyone handles things differently. But I still enjoyed writing this story a lot, and I hope you did too.
> 
> Let me know your thoughts on the ending. Super happy to talk about anything. Thank you all again :)  
> .

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! And please leave comments if you have anything to say. I love comments and thrive on them! They keep me going :)


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